Except for maybe sex.
I’m starting to think that I have a sign on my forehead that says “Only good for sex”. I have been re evaluating my life & the men in it & man. Everybody around me is in a relationship, getting married, and living their best lives but what about me. Why is it so hard for me to find myself in a relationship. I was recently told by my constant after 3 years that it was still just sex and when I tell you a bitch is perplexed. After the occasional ” I love You” and the matching tattoo ideas, and all the side shit I did for him this negro still told me it was just sex. I appreciate his honesty, but damn. I look back over the last 7 years of my relationshits trying to see what I did wrong, and once again a bitch is perplexed. I did everything for them ie: cooked, took niggas on trips, bday gifts/ surprises even gave one money when times got tough & yet it still wasn’t good enough. I got nothing in return except good dick & insecurity. Like damn I couldn’t even get a bday card. Before you throw judgement, these men I did shit for weren’t niggas off the street and I didn’t do things for everybody. I know you are saying why would you do anything for these men especially when they aren’t your husband. So yes I’ll take the blame but it still leaves the million dollar question why wasn’t it enough? Yesterday I was reading my book & the writer said:
“There’s nothing more confusing & painful to a woman than being told she’s amazing by a man who treats her like she’s not good enough to commit to and the saddest part of it all is that this woman will fight to prove her value to the one man who doesn’t even deserve her.”
& then I realized oh shit maybe it’s not just me. Niggas really do this foolery to other women on the daily. I think I’ve learned my lesson tho. Keep your heart & your wallet 3 $tacks.
It’s been real. I don’t have any complaints honestly and I’m thankful for that. I made life changing decisions (stay tuned) and I learned to face my fears. I flew 3x this year. People that know me know that I do not fly but this year I decided to not let my fear keep me from seeing the world, and I will be bringing that same mindset into 2018. I opened up more. I did new activities. I laughed harder than ever. I went thru a period where every week I was hit with a new issue but I got past it (thank you Jesus). I will not put up with anything that does not make me happy. This year I went to another country, turned my phone off, and didn’t talk to anybody for a week. I haven’t been the same since. I learned to look at things differently and change my way of thinking. I put myself in situations that could have ended my life but I learned from them. In 2018 I want to get out of my comfort zone…slightly. I want to live life even if I’m going thru this journey by myself. Lets just say I am beyond excited for 2018 and all that it has to offer.
I went to my 2nd jobs Christmas party last week not realizing that one small question would turn my world upside down. As I’m sitting at the table with my doctors and co workers one of them turns to me and jokingly says “Where is your plus one?”. I put my brown Bacardi and coke down and proceed to stare at her like a deer in headlights. I looked around the room and realized that everybody up in this piece has somebody with them except me. I finally snapped back into reality gulped the rest of my drink down and laughed her comment off. I laughed to keep from crying forreal. In my head I was yelling at her that I didn’t need a man and that I was I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T don’t you know what that means (s/o to my Webbie fans) but in actuality I was embarrassed, saltier than a Philly pretzel. Once again I had it thrown in my face that I was single like a dollar bill. This year I really tried to evaluate myself to see why I’m single or why I attract the men that I do ie: the sex offender I met while I was at work a few months ago but that’s a whole different story. I mean I know I’m far from perfect but my goodness I haven’t been in a real relationship since the devil was a boy. Is it my insecurities? Am I too picky? Am I not “bad” enough? Do I need too much attention?. I downed a few more drinks and vowed that this time next year I will have a plus one to all my Christmas parties. I’m speaking that shit into existence. Y’all pray for me.
So a lot of people have asked me “What did you get for Christmas?” or “What did you ask for?”. The older I get the harder it is for me to answer these questions because whatever I want I go buy it. For example I bought myself a new car this year and the new fancy laptop that I’m using right now. Me personally I’m not into gadgets and all that other stuff. No I don’t want the new IPhone give me the $1000 so I can put that in my savings account. Anywhoo I thought I would make a realistic wish list. If you are younger you might not agree but if you are at least 24 & up I know you will feel me. So lets get into it.
- I would like my new car paid off
- I would like my student loans to disappear
- I would unlimited gas for a year
- I would like a nice townhouse with no mortgage
- I would like an automatic paid vacation every 3 months
- Pay a car note or 2
But instead I settled for the nonstick griddle that I asked for. Hope everybody had a great holiday.
I want to tell you a story about he, she, and we. It was me and he and then there was a she. How the fuck did she get here? She had been there all along. I was the behind the scenes girl. They didn’t even know I existed. How could you hide me? How could you play me when I would do anything for you? I would give you my ribs. I would die to see you live. Lets fast forward to 4 years later 10,000 buckets of tears and anger later. You and she are taking baecations even tho you have a permanent staycation in my heart. You choose her over me basically saying she was better than me, I think the fuck not. Conveniency > Loyalty or so you thought. I often wondered what would happen if I saw her walking down the street. Would I beat her ass or thank her? Beat her ass for taking what was mine or thank her for helping me see the light. I saw the light and it showed my heart In a million pieces. It’s not fair you say, I know. So what happened in the end of the story? Well he and she are trying to convince themselves that they are meant to be and live happily. See he thought she was the greener grass but little did he know. And now he can kiss my ass. As much as I hate she its not entirely her fault. I stayed, I waited, I prayed for you to be the he God made for me but sadly you could not live up to those standards. Now I stand tall with my head held high. I won.
But what about us?
Lately I’ve been feeling left out. Feeling like our black women are being left out. You always hear it being emphasized that black women need to hold black men down, be there for him, and support him always. Ride or Die. That’s all fine and dandy but what about black women? Who’s holding us down? We go through shit too. Even if we don’t speak on it we deal with a lot on a daily basis. Insecurity, constantly being torn down, depression, and all the other bullshit. Yes, black men have their fare share of difficulties on a daily basis but that’s not what I’m here for today. Growing up I was always told to be the “strong black woman” but shit I need a man to check up on me sometimes and ask me how my day was, ask me if I’m ok. I also don’t mean generic how are you I mean genuine shit. Just ask me how my damn life is going. If I tell you I have an interview I expect you to ask me about it later. That 6 page paper I told you about a few weeks ago I want you to inquire about the grade I got. If I tell you I’m looking to buy a house I anticipate you to ask me if I’ve found potential houses. I’m not trying to come off as needy but sometimes I feel like we as black women are forgotten yes we are superheroes but we struggle too. Did you know I contemplated suicide today? Did you know I lost my job today? Now I’m not saying all black men don’t reach out and check on their girl I’ve just noticed that society pushes the woman to always hold her man down and that it’s not vice versa.
Don’t forget about us.
What is consuming your mental space today?
- A paper cut.
- Watching the person you love get engaged to somebody else.
Child let me rub my damn temples for a minute. If you have ever read some of my previous blogs I have talked about “love dove” and the struggles we have gone thru. Well 4 years later here we are and “love dove” has seemed to have lost his damn mind. The details of this story is too much and I’m not in the right mental space to even talk about it in detail right now. I never thought I would be here in my late 20’s watching a man that I did everything for, gave everything to ,get down on his little ashy knee and ask another female to spend the rest of her life with him. Tuhhhh. I’m hurt forreal. The saddest part of it is that I’m use to this shit. I legit wouldn’t wish this hurt on anybody. He’s off gallavanting planning a damn wedding while I’m left with insecurity looking at me in the face.
But then I remembered who the fuck I am.
To be continued..
Write about something from your past that you still hold on to now.
My most favorite necklace ever. I’ve had it since I was a child but in the last few years is when I actually started to wear it. It’s classy and yet I can wear it to any occasion. I constantly get compliments on it. “Wow! where did you get that from?”. “
Who gave that to you?”. Whenever asked these questions I look away with a smirk. When I was younger I would’t talk about where I got this necklace from but now that I’m older and don’t give 2 whoots I tell them straight up “My fathers side b@%^% gave it to me”. Now when I say this inquiring minds want to know but I say curiosity gets you killed. Only a few people know the whole story behind this necklace, and basically my fathers “friend” gave this to me when I was about 9 or 10 among other things. All the other stuff I’ve lost over the years but this necklace stayed with me forever. It represents a time in my life of anger and hurt. A time when I saw my mom cry the most. When hurt had a permanent residence at my house. When confusion sat next to me at the dinner table every night. A period when yelling is what put me to sleep. I was too young to understand what was really going on, or so they thought. How can a necklace so gorgeous represent such a dark time.
Ironically I accidentally broke the necklace yesterday.
I was browsing through twitter and found the hash tag #sheheals. It’s a 31 day self- healing challenge for women. I was looking through the questions and they are well deep, and I told myself that when I write I want to dig deep. I want to encourage you all men too to do this challenge with me. I would also love to here your thoughts. If you want to follow her, her twitter is @tamekachristmas. So here it goes.
When you look into the mirror, what do you see? Who are you right now?
When I look into the mirror I see insecurity. I see dark marks and acne caused by my love for sweets. A small chest. I see someone who wants to be loved. Someone that wears a mask to cover up how she really feels. I see natural hair and natural curls that are paawwwpiiinnn. Some days confidence looks back at me. When someone asks me who I am I tell them I’m me. I’m not a full grown woman but I’m almost there.